Journal of Thinking

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 08:54:42 GMT

i'm angry!

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 19:33:32 GMT

so much to do so early in the semester... ahh!

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 17:33:03 GMT

Jasmine is here!!! Wheeeeeee

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 21:04:16 GMT

I have a test tomorrow. I hope I do better on it than I did on my test on Thursday...

I'm getting materials for my halloween costume soon! I'm very excited.

Sometimes I wonder why people do things that they know will hurt me. Sometimes I then realize it's because I'm no longer even a thought in their mind. It's not that they want to hurt me, they just don't even think of it. Which, in some cases, hurts more.

I'm feeling good about school lately. I'm really happy I went here. It still seems surreal sometimes, and I think about what I would've said freshman year if someone had told me I'd end up here. But everyone seems cool and I might even be making some real friends, not just insta-friends.

Here's the deal for people I don't see every day: I'm going into reciprocation mode for a while. If you call me, I'll call you back. However you contact me, I'll respond, but I'm just don't feel like chasing one-way friendships anymore. Ya green?

That's all I have to say right now, except I can't wait for the leaves to start changing! But then it'll start getting colder...

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 05:45:06 GMT

Today was the first day of classes. While my classes sound kind of boring and really hard (so far I've been to genetics and organic chemistry), I remain optimistic. Here is a list of my original goals for this semester:

- Stay at a normal course load
- Keep my job
- Get a 4.0

Now my list looks like this:

o Stay at a normal course load
o Keep my job
   - If they give me shifts that will continue to make the commitment worth it
o Get a 4.0
    - Do all daily homework/studying on the day it was assigned
    - Not get behind in readings
    - Do large projects in small chunks ahead of time
    - Not procrastinate
o Do Yoga Booty Ballet* every night
o Improve my personal life**

*Or comparable workout video, or actually workout for 30 minutes
**This one requires a lot more explanation. Unfortunately it's too personal to publish in this context. Sorry!

Wish me luck! (Although luck probably will have very little to do with my success.)

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 14:08:24 GMT

i remember a time when i was scared of today because i wouldn't get to see my best friend all day and i'd have to face this experience alone.

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 20:01:43 GMT

i feel so many different things right now that they almost kind of average out to normal. i guess that's good, right?

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 23:53:34 GMT

What's sad at this point in the summer is that I'm used to seeing people from high school that I like on a fairly regular basis, but I don't know when most of them are leaving for school or if I'll see them again this summer when I say bye. Then for that matter, I don't know if I'll ever see them again since they/I may not be coming home next summer, etc. It's a weird feeling.

Also, I hate when people have really boring away messages. Especially when I'm dying to know what they're up to. Not in a creepy way. Even song lyrics keep me entertained for a while as I try to figure out what they mean. God my life sucks, that I'm reduced to this. I'm longing for eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. not the movie.

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 04:22:11 GMT

This is not where I choose to end this story.

In other news I'm doing a little better since I last posted. Nowhere near where I need to be, but that will only come with time. At least I've kept busy enough to avoid dwelling.

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 08:19:29 GMT

today i did the hardest thing i think i've ever had to do. i just hope i don't end up regretting it. i mean i'm regretting it now, but that's because it's still painful. i need to trust myself. i may not be strong enough.

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 03:18:17 GMT

if i could live this summer over, i'd go to camp and somehow not come home on saturdays. the serving experience i've gained instead of going to camp isn't enough to get me anything, and i regret pretty much everything that has happened as a result of me being home.

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 04:39:43 GMT

mmm what'd you say? mm that it's all for the best? of course it is.

mmm what'd you say? (mmm what did she say?)

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 05:04:34 GMT

There is no such thing as a happy ending, or a sad ending. All stories are just different parts of The Story, which is time. Where you choose to stop telling the story may be at a happy place or a sad place, but it is not an ending, because The Story never ends, time keeps going. And you are the one that chooses on what note your passage of The Story ends.

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 13:24:22 GMT

People should write to me while I'm at camp. That would be sweet.

Bridget Neary
Camp Whitman
PO Box 278
Dresden, NY 14441

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 13:41:29 GMT

i just want sunday to come...

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 20:09:31 GMT

Everything's going really well for me right now but I'm so insecure and I'm going to end up letting that ruin it. I wish I didn't need so much affirmation from other people. I'm going to ruin everything.

(Unless I'm right. Then everything will be ruined but it won't be my fault.)

Sun, 20 May 2007 07:13:04 GMT

I would write something here, but maybe I shouldn't!!

I'm very tired.

I don't want to say anything because maybe it's none of your business!

Then again, maybe it is.

I hope I seem very mysterious right now. That's probably what I was going for. Everyone loves a good mystery.

Oh man, I'm tired. So tired. Sleep...

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 16:45:26 GMT

right in this moment, i am happy. i hope this feeling lasts a long time.

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 01:42:47 GMT

More letters to people!

Dear friend,
I know we don't talk nearly as much as we should or used to, but when we do it's comforting to hear that someone else thinks like I do.

Dear friend,
We used to get along so well. Now I feel guarded when I talk to you because I feel like you judge everything I do and say, and it hurts a lot. I feel like I'm losing my closest friend.

Dear friend,
Sometimes I make up excuses to call you because I just really want to hear your voice more than anything in the world.

Dear friend,
You really are a lot cooler than you let on to people who don't know you that well. I really wish this weren't the case. For selfish reasons.

Dear friend,
In a little while, I probably will never see you or talk to you again. I really regret not becoming friends with you earlier. Mostly I regret the loss of everything you represented in my head.

Dear friend(s),
I miss you so much it's painful.

Dear Sarah Tugel (friend),
You are awesome. Just to let you know, in case you didn't. Very awesome.

This is helpful to me to organize my thoughts, sorry. In other news, tomorrow I should be finding out if Red Robin will make me a server or not, which will basically decide my summer plans. Also, in terms of where I'm going next year I'm like 85% sure where I want to go. So a lot of the major decisions that have been looming over my head are on their way to being decided. I'm still really torn about this summer though. I really want to go to camp but I really want to have a summer, too.
k i think that's about all i have to say

j

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 06:37:51 GMT

i can't even speak my mind in my own livejournal for fear of judgement. thank you, society.

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 22:07:27 GMT

01. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
02. I respond by asking you five questions.
03. You WILL update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
04. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
05. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Sarah Tugel's questions:
1. why are you maybe not going back to camp? (i will be sad without you)
2. can we hang out sometime?
3. what is your favorite pair of shoes you own?
4. where did the best day of your life take place?
5. what do you want to be when you grow up?

1. I didn't respond, and I don't know if there's still a spot for me. Also, I'd have to get there at like 4 the first three Sundays and then miss the fourth Sunday altogether, and I don't know if that's OK. I was thinking maybe I could be a lifeguard and maybe it wouldn't matter missing planning time, plus they are still hiring for lifeguards, but I don't have the training and I think it's too late at this point to get it in time.
2. No.
3. A pair of white platform sandals with round-ish bottoms and one thick clear plastic strap on each shoe. I like them because the plastic feels like a tiny gnome hugging my foot, but evidently they're really weird and I'm not allowed to wear them in public.
4. No days really stick out. Probably at camp though.
5. Euphoric

But I'm kidding, we should hang out. Soon!

Decisions, decisions

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 16:44:33 GMT

So I got in to Geneseo. I got the letter yesterday. I didn't end up applying anywhere else because I didn't know of any school where I was interested in going and where my parents were OK with sending me. But as much as people kept asking me what I'd do if I got in, and I was giving them my honest answer, everything is different now that I've gotten in. Now I have a choice, a serious choice I need to make for myself and not for anyone else. Something I'm finding impossible. Because, as much as this is a bad thing, my happiness still depends on other people. I think that's true for a lot of (if not most) people. But it's confusing, and hard, and I'll be continuing to visit Oberlin over the coming semester, and I'll of course be going to Geneseo since I'm taking a class there. And as much as I've been trying not to, I think I've been burning bridges at both schools.

Someone, someone could tell me where I belong.
Be calm, be brave, it'll be ok.

It's my life

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 00:30:54 GMT

If something is the right choice for me, screw what everyone else thinks. I need to start living for myself.

On the other hand, some people need to start taking into account how their actions affect others.
Not that my saying so does any good.

Hopefully we will all find a happy medium. Doubtful though.

The best thing about static is emo bangs plastered to my face

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 23:35:03 GMT

I have A's in both of my classes right now, both only based on one test, a 94 in anthro and a 72.5 in bio (73 was the highest grade in the class so it's an A with a curve). So I suppose that's good. I'm making a lot of money busing tables, so that's good too. I really have to figure out how to deposit cash though. I'm also house-and-dog-sitting and getting paid for that. I have a social life, so long as Abbie doesn't get tired of me. I go to church a lot. And on top of that I'm dressed, fed, and I have a very comfortable bed to sleep in. Actually I have my choice of two, since I'm staying at the house I'm sitting but I could spend a night home if I wanted. I really have it good.

But I have so many questions. And then so many other things, the barely-bipedal ancestors (think early H. erectus, but pretend scientists still think that humans evolved from that) of questions that have to undergo a lot of trial-and-error evolution to come anywhere close to being able to be phrased and understood. My biggest question right now is: What's going on?

So I drive a lot now. I'm probably single-handedly killing thousands of species. Not that that's actually that hard to do, as species go extinct quite often. Like multiple per day. But I've been listening to guster a lot while doing it. I once went to a concert where guster was advocating being nice to the environment or something. I guess the message didn't stick.

It's Ash Wednesday. I didn't manage to eat my chocolate yesterday, so I'm trying to decide what to do. I think I've vaguely decided give up chocolate, possibly sweets. You should probably have these things decided before lent. My main one is that I'm giving up doing things that are a bad idea. Now, there are a few things that are bad ideas, but I'm working on giving them up and it has taken more than 40 days and nights already, so I'm not expecting those to magically go away, but I tend to do things that are just... bad ideas! So I'm going to stop, hopefully. This is not easy, and if you take an honest look at your life you'll probably find that you agree. But now I'm going to be late for the service! That would be a bad idea. Everyone will look at me like a Jesus-hater. I should go.

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 20:17:14 GMT

So I sang for old people on Thursday night. It was fun. We sang a lot of old-people songs that I didn't know. It almost made up for not having church on Wednesday. But actually not at all.

So I'm house-sitting starting tomorrow. I get a nice house all to myself for a week. And a new dog. Anyone want to come over?
It's just in time, too. I'm not really liking being with my parents recently. As in today. But I pissed them off earlier today, and I'm working tonight and then going to live down the street tomorrow.

Also, it's pretty sad to see what little things can make me really happy. It's even sadder to think then about how often I'm happy.

I'm still biting my lip a lot. I was doing well for a little, but then I stopped my systems of punishment and it's coming back (I would either snap my hair band against my wrist or I'd picture something I really didn't want to see)

Sometimes fate likes to take a hand and play with you. Fate did that just now. It was really exciting. I really wanted to see that. Also it's pi time.